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Teleportation=Pooping

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Rondstat

Rondstat

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It was some time ago that, sifting through the deepest bowels of Runescape's lore, I happened upon a revelation so ghastly, so fetid, as to forever altar my perception of Gielinor.

I had hoped to keep so terrible a secret confined to the water closet of discredited conspiracy, but given the recent interest in both lodestones and waste management, I fear it is only a matter of time before another lorehound, perhaps one with too weak a stomach to digest these unpalatable perceptions, is assaulted with the truth.

I urge my more delicate readers to turn back now. The true state of Gielinor, that which permeates even our simplest actions, is a feast of eldritch horror the bolus of which you may never expel.

To those with iron dispositions, read on, though I must preface this with an admonishment.

As a man far wiser than I once said:
Hold on to your butts.

19-Sep-2014 01:18:24 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 01:29:38 by Rondstat

Rondstat

Rondstat

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ON TELEPORTATION
(the dry stuff)

By now, we are all quite familiar with the inner workings of teleportation. We magically open up a teleportation matrix into the abyss. We are passed through the abyss, negating time and space, and are dumped out in another place, apparently instantaneously. The stool of teleportation is propped up by three legs.

1. CATALYST BASED:
The mage uses a catalyst, typically rune stones, to channel their magical potential, invoking a pre-existing spell to travel through the abyss. This can also be used to create portals.

Numer Two. ENCHANTMENT BASED:
Power is drained from a magically charged object to travel to a set destination. Depending on its source of magic and the power of the caster, this magic may drain quickly, needing to be frequently recharged or otherwise disintegrating on the exhaustion of its power; it may require periods of rest before the full extent of its power can be re-channeled; or it may be so full of magic that the duration of its enchantment is effectively indefinite.

When an enchanted item is recharged, it is typically done by an inherently powerful caster, or done using some font of magic potential, the mystical energy in a form that can be easily transferred. It appears that magical fluids are the most apt for this - the ectofuntus, the blood pool, and the fountain of heroes are our existing means of re-enchanting items ourselves.

3. ABILITY BASED:
An individual wields intrinsic magical ability powerful enough to teleport without further aid. For beings of lesser magic, this is typically accomplished through some form of chanting - a teleportation phrase or a chanted crystal. For more powerful beings, your gods and mahjarrat, this can be used to devastating effect, and unlike other methods, is limited only by the caster's power. Portal magic, as it's typically understood, is a form of this.

19-Sep-2014 01:18:31 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 01:30:37 by Rondstat

Rondstat

Rondstat

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ON DUNG
(the juicy stuff)

However, as we survey the myriad transport methods available to us, a veritable pupu platter of variety, one is pushed out ahead of the others, an exceptional nugget.

This uncanny artifact is none other than
the camulet
. An enchanted item, and one which we can recharge ourselves – however, doing so requires no magical items, no font of wizardry. Rather, this ancient key to the desert is fueled entirely by the gastric unrest of unwitting ungulates.

What makes camel dung so special, that it can replace ancient magics? The answer is plain: it's not so special. We have encountered feces elsewhere in our travels.

Many of you will remember a trek into the fabled Land of Snow to recover frozen stones of arcane power. However, these are not mere stones, but the dreadful
droppings of a fearsome Yeti
! Droppings that repel our efforts to simply teleport away with them. As the snow implings tell us:

Cause, if you try ta teleport outta here without it being enchanted, at best it won't let you, and at worst it'll vanish! Weird stuff, yeti dung.


This simple discharge has the ability to block teleportation – a magical talent only mastered by the most experienced human mages – and snow imps, demons, creatures with a deep affinity for the abyss, creatures who held the key to teleportation's rediscovery, are themselves puzzled by its encumbered emissions.

This all indicates one thing.
Poop itself is special
. The lower GI functions of living creatures, these anima accidents, are themselves so potent as to infuse their detritus with a power that can let its progenitor face the abyss, yea, can bridge the very gap between worlds!

19-Sep-2014 01:18:36 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 05:24:35 by Rondstat

Rondstat

Rondstat

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Perhaps the reader is skeptical. “Ah, Rondstat, these are merely two exceptional examples, and that does not a rule define,” but CONSIDER THIS my fine friend: Every single turd we are able to obtain ingame has
magical, teleportation-based properties
. This characterizes 100% of the sample, ergo it must also describe 100% of the subject.
QED
.

There is another form of teleportation. The most common form of all. A method that does not neatly fit into any of the big three categories.

I refer, of course, to
lodestones
.

Jag
ex lacks
any satisfying loreful explanation as to how these operate. They were supposedly established by the Wizard's Tower in the Fifth Age. Yet, they require no catalyst, no enchanted trinket, no portal or object of power. They can be used by beings with no magical training, no talent, apparently pulling the means of their translocation out of the aether.

But they don't pull it out of the aether. They pull it out of their ass.

What magical substance do all creatures on Gielinor have access to? What is a material that does not favor the highest noble, nor the lowliest peasant? I think you know the answer by now.

Many have wondered why there are no commodes on the surface of modern Gielinor. Why our sewers are not piled high with the unspeakable. The simple answer is – we do not need it. The modern world's most valuable resource is also its oldest and, barring some even more powerful sorcerous phenomenon, the means to our homecoming is never more than a swipe away.

In the butt.

19-Sep-2014 01:18:41 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 01:35:12 by Rondstat

Rondstat

Rondstat

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Addendum: The Pottifex
(leftovers)

Of course, humanity did not always have the wisdom to harness this orphic orifice power. Mizzarch's memory chronicles humanity before the advent of Zaros:

Though the humans - like animals - seemed content to simply let their waste pile up around their dwellings, Zaros determined that this was a source of sickness and devised a system of cloacas - channels similar to aqueducts - to carry the water safely out of the cities.


Though this was supposedly later utilized for fertilizers and tannins, I propose there was another use, unmentioned by this modest Mahjarrat.

Zaros required the life essence of a god – Loarnab – to digest the mystical fibre necessary to drop a duke (12 of 'em) into the world of Gielinor. Yet he also travelled freely between worlds, recruited non-combatant demons, and introduced the vyre race among others, all without the benefit of Loarnab's rancid remains.

Did Zaros, sitting atop his throne, merely strain to bring his subjects into being? I would suggest, once he had subjugated the hydra god's followers, he had no more need for such elaborate portals. His new thralls left him a present – the means to traverse the multitudinous planes!

Perhaps the biggest hole in the 2nd Age is the arrival of the Mahjarrat. Did a tier 6 like Icthlarin teleport dozens of these godlike beings by abusing some sort of backdoor? The very notion is execrable!

The Menaphite Empire, while lacking Zaros' sophistication, was rich in both human and camel resources. Though Icthlarin did not have the wherewithal to take on the scion of an Elder, he had more than enough raw material to go looking for assistance.

It is likely that Akthanakos, patron of Ugthankis and strongly aligned to the desert, would never forget this, and in his wisdom gave us, the adventurer, the souvenir we would need to unravel the mysteries of the multiverse.

19-Sep-2014 01:18:46 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 01:38:20 by Rondstat

Rondstat

Rondstat

Posts: 2,770Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I encourage your discussions and insight. While I admit this thread starts circling the bowl towards the end, I'm confident with the support of our iron-willed lorehounds, we can start a movement!





Special thanks to Penny Drakis for being my sounding board, and Deltaslug from whom I shamelessly stole some of my puns.

19-Sep-2014 01:18:51 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 01:41:23 by Rondstat

Last Prophet

Last Prophet

Posts: 3,421Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
We've found Waldo.

I repeat, WE HAVE FOUND WALDO!

Edit:

Admiral of the Fleet... It's like you were planning this all along.
+
Athonen Lucrendis
+

~Creator of
Ikadia the Exile

&
Saradomin's
last prophet
~

19-Sep-2014 02:01:57 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 02:04:51 by Last Prophet

Velia

Velia

Posts: 2,835Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is my head pot-cannon now.

Edit: This feels like the kind of thread that Mod Jack would post on... I don't know why, I just feel it, you know?
Quester
|
Lorehound
|
Sliskean

19-Sep-2014 02:20:21 - Last edited on 19-Sep-2014 02:23:45 by Velia

Kailithnir
May Member 2006

Kailithnir

Posts: 2,107Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, our food is constructed from the remains of other lifeforms, each being a source of Anima in and of themselves. These energies must surely be those utilised in culinaromancy, and also as extracted through the process of digestion. Nature, however, is messy: no reaction is 100% efficient, and so here, waste is produced. That remaining fuel which our metabolism cannot process is but a logical source of magical power.

It all makes sense now.

So basically, the Food Chain parallels the Anima Chain. Therefore, our sun must, like the star Magnus in The Elder Scrolls, be continually irradiating our world with magical energies, in addition to more mundane electromagnetic ones, as it is the root of the food chain.

Either that, or the Anima Cycle is just a clever analogy for the cycle of energy in the real universe, and mundane and magical energies are effectively the same.

19-Sep-2014 04:03:13

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