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|The Postbag from the Hedge is written for fun and the information contained in the letters is not to be considered canon unless otherwise mentioned.|
Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
|I'm not sure if you remember me, but we've met a few times in Varrock castle library, I believe I've helped you out by running a few errands and likewise you've helped me out during some of my quests with your wealth of knowledge.|
|I'm writing to you now because I have a problem with organising my personal library and who better to ask than the great librarian of Varrock himself?|
|As you may or may not know, I have done many quests (the lumbridge guide himself told me I was an acomplished quester ) and I practise varying arts from simple cooking, and smithing to the more complex arts of crafting, herblore and magic. Being a bit of a jack of all trades, I have acquired quite a large book collection during my adventures and explorations of various skills. A collection of which I am very fond.|
|I have a number of bookshelves in my house, one in the hall, two in the parlour and two more in the study, all hand-crafted from the finest mahogany, and they hold most of my books quite niceley, however no matter how I try, I just can't seem to find a space for the following books in my bookshelves: "Cocktail Guide", "Gianne's Cookbook", "Pie Recipe Book", "Brewin' Guide" (sure would be handy to have those in my house near the kitchen), "Moonclan Manual", "Arena Book", "Burnt Diary", "Herman's Book", "Book of Folklore", "Book on Chickens", "Strange Book", "Holy Book", "Unholy Book", "Book of Balance" and, last but not least, my well earned "Book o' Piracy" - arr!|
|I was wondering if, with your great skills and many years of experience of catalouging and keeping order in the Varrock Library, you might be able to offer some assistance in getting these books to fit my shelves?|
Although I doubt that some of the books you mention would survive long enough to even reach this bookcase of yours, I do agree that most of them should be looked after carefully. However, my catalogue system indicates that you can already keep some of those books, so you might want to re-check your shelves.
Now, as you may or may not know, libraries are carefully monitored things, especially after the great fire of ‘86, where one too many books on spontaneous combustion were kept near a rather lively tome on literary sentience. It is for that reason that rules govern how and where we can keep our books. I am pleased to announce that permission has now been given to keep the following in addition to your existing set:
I hope you build some decent shelves to keep them all on.
Dear Posty Pete,
|I have been completing slayer assignments and have reached level 27 slayer, I got my new assignment to kill 27 skeletons; the only problem is that I got bored, so I decided to do some wood chopping and fire lighting instead. I went to Draynor by the lake and started to chop willow trees, even though my woodcutting level is 59, I just thought it would be an easy way to get my wood chopping level to 60 so I could cut yew trees. Anyway, let's get to why I'm really sending this letter to you. When I was chopping willow trees, a bird's nest dropped out. Now, I have had this happening to me a lot but have never got what I found inside it this time. I searched the bird's nest and got a strange looking bird's egg from it. Usually I would get something like an apple tree seed, a willow tree seed or some kind of jewellery, but I got a blue bird's egg. When I examined it, it said: A blue bird's egg. So then I asked people around me what they thought, they said that they had never heard or seen it before. Then I tryed to cook it but it said, 'you cannot cook this on a range or fire'. I've tried doing everything with it, but no one knows anyone who has ever had this before, so please, Postie Pete, and all your friends and RuneScapians, can you tell me what this blue bird's egg is for, what it really is and what it does or will do?|
|Thank you for reading this.|
Dear Mr Badham94,
As you know, I’ve been looking after chickens all my life. Now, although I ain't ever seen a blue chicken egg, my grandfather used to tell me about great birds who were raised in his grandfather's time, from chicks by the soldiers and mages who built Yanille. Very sharp-eyed these birdies were, used to be used as lookouts ‘case they had more trouble from the ogres and the other nasties who hung about back then. Thing is, nobody knows anything about 'em anymore, probably served their time.
I wouldn’t be throwing it away just yet tho', you never know what you might learn.
To my dear friend Snip Snip
|How is life under the sea? Have you met Nung yet? And the other mogres? Such happy times we have together under the ocean. I will dive down and come to your pen and tell you stories of my adventures on the surface. And sometimes I kill you and take your claw, meat and skull thingy and make it into dashing armour. I wish I could show you, but, alas, unlike you crabs I cannot breathe under water so I cannot show you, but I can promise you this: it is very dashing armour. My question is this: Do you ever wish to come out of your pen and come to the surface with me?|
Dear my friend Clompy,
My uncle was a rock crab,
He lived by the sea,
And when he crawled from under his rock
He was just xp.
The fighter there, all shiny and proud
Got to him first, before the crowd
They fought hard, shell versus granite
It was not the prettiest fight.
My uncle there he did not know
It was not the way he’d choose to go
And soon welled up with Crabby woe
Oh, how I miss my Uncle Joe.
So I say to you, big clompy fish
Can’t you choose a better dish?
Tell your friends to leave us be
Or we’ll stay forever, under the sea.
Dear Aluft Gianne Jr,
|I have found a most strange and wonderful fruit. It just grew up out of the ground, twice, while I was mining. This fruit holds the ability to restore energy, though it is inefficient and unrefined. I was thinking that, since I am in your employ and deliveries need to be made most promptly, the restoration of a delivery man/woman's energy would be priceless. Perhaps if you sat down and discussed this 'strange fruit' with your father and Mr. Blurberry, the three of you could come up with a way to refine it and increase its potency. Perhaps a batta that could be eaten on the run, or a 'strange fruit' cocktail that could be quickly downed would increase your delivery speed. On top of that, you'd have a new product that could be marketed around the world. I hope you respond soon, as I'm sure the dwarven, elven, and human cooks will soon catch wind of this amazing and 'strange' fruit.|
|By the way, is there a reason gnomes don't eat fish? Every area I see gnomes, with the exception of a few of your gliders, there is a water source brimming with fish nearby. I wouldn't mind making some fish crunchies, battas, and bowls.|
|Venghadrayu, Master Cook and Delivery Man|
|P.S.: Have you ever thought of sprinkling crushed gemstones on your cocktails? It would make them sparkle, adding a new effect to Blurberry's awesome drinks.|
The gnomes were so fascinated by this strange fruit, they just sat and stared at it. See what I mean? I haven’t seen them that interested in anything since the worm delivery arrived last month.
Who knows what they might come up with in the future?
|When I was strolling about the Warriors' Guild, I stopped to chat with Harrallak Menarous, afterwards, he told me he could best any person alive in a rapier duel, which includes you. And since you said you were the best swordsman alive, it is kinda hard to beleive. So, I'm just writing to ask you, what do you think of Harrallak and his bragging? Also, since you are the best swordsman alive, why don't you go out and get yourself a full set of dragon armour? I mean, steel is cool for lvl 20 and below, but when you're level 146...it's just wrong.|
|PS ~ I know you may not want to talk about this, but I must know. What did you do to be so ashamed of your past actions? Not something evil, I trust.|
Tell this Harrallak Menarous that he has my attention. I have heard of his antics, but I doubt that his little tin-opener is any match for me and my steel. Any time he is ready, mano e mano at the Duel Arena. Stakes are his kebab skewer vs. my large collection of rat corpses. Any time. I’d meet him in the Wilderness but I bet he’s one of “those” types who won’t fight fair. Look at me, I even wield steel to give people a chance. I mean, what kind of warrior fights things less than half his level in full rune, I ask you?
Greatest swordsman who ever lived. Period.
|As you know you always enlighten us when we are on our adventures and surprise us when you pop up out of nowhere to grant us experience. Last time you visited me I was playing the Mort Myre minigame with a bunch of other people and we all had something to ask you, but you left in a poof of smoke before we could ask.|
|What a lot of us were wondering that day at Mort'ton was, why do you only give us one wish? Don't genies grant people three wishes? That’s a little unusual and cheap for a genie to grant only one skill stat to be raised. Now, we all know you can spend a few extra seconds to grant us two more wishes because its not really that hard due to the fact that you have mystical magic genie powers. I'm not speaking for myself, I'm speaking for all the RuneScape gamers out there wondering about this unusual happening. Thanks for taking the time in answering all of our questions. Hope to see you in the future granting three wishes.|
Amgelics23 and the rest of the Mort-Myre building crew.
A long time ago, I used to offer three wishes when I appeared, but sadly I once ran into this group of three brave adventurers: a warrior, mage and a ranger. To each I offered one wish. The warrior wanted to be pitched in a battle to the death against evil itself. A noble cause, I thought, and wished him there immediately. The mage wished to be taken to the great libraries of the sky, where he knew his ancestors were, recording everything that was ever thought or dreamt. Another noble cause, I thought, and moved him there in the blink of an eye.
The ranger got lonely and wished them back again.
Here endeth the lesson.
Dear Baba Yaga,
|First, I'd like to congratulate you on your wonderful house. How can you get yours to move? I asked the Estate Agent to give me a discount on chicken legs, but he simply roared with laughter and told me to go to the food store in Port Sarim if I was that hungry. Is he covering something up? Is there some lost, ancient secret to your house? Please tell me!|
|Second, are you behaving strangely or what? Usually when I go to your house, I see you on the left side of the house instead of the right! Is the floor on the right too bumpy or something? Or do you actually like the bumpy ride? It's so hard to tell with you witches. Also, when I enter your humble home, I often look around and cannot find you, only to find you standing under me! You do this far more than you should! Are you doing this on purpose, or do you simply read my body language as well as my mind?|
|Finally, can I have some free blood runes? I'm such a good customer of yours, I ought to have a few hundred to keep my incentive to buy from you running. Otherwise, I might just to decide to buy from the Magic Guild instead, and you know how bad THAT would be for business...|
Manirious (aka Emanick1)
|P.S. Where do you get all your runes? And how do you keep your stock so high?|
Were you told to send this, or did you do so of your own free will? This small skull you send before me is pure of heart, but are you?
Many have sought my advice through many of my guises, the Bone Mother, destroyer of egos. It is lucky for you I choose to help those on this world; this heaving mass of life. My hut is its own. It sees as I do when I look through its glassed eyes and screams when its mouth is opened by those who dare to ask me the question.
My bright dawn, my red sun and my dark midnight have served me well. They do not go to those who beg. Where are your soul friends, your voices of the night? Best you take care my pretty. Do not cross us or our seeds.
|How does it feel to be the only guard on "farming" duty? Do you have some obsession with farming? Or are you the unlucky guard who got the short straw? Do you ever get a chance to get real guard duty or you shirking your duty for the easy job. Why do you wield a watering can when you are at a tree patch. Wouldn't secateurs or a gardening basket be more sensible? What exactly are you hiding in the boxes and crates next to you? Are you using those to transport something illegal?|
|A Royal Subject|
Dear Royal bloke,
Sire, I think anyone with half a brain would jump at being the only guard to actually complete a year’s service here in Varrock. They gave me a special carriage clock and everything!
Best of luck with them boxes. I have no idea what they are for.
Treznor the Grubby.
|Why do you keep ruining my pies? I love my pies, but every time I walk through the swamp you turn it into rotten food. How dare you touch my pies - they're mine, go make yourselves some ghostly pies, that would be cool|
|p.s. Why don't you go back to Lumbridge when I defeat you - it's because you're already dead, right?|
Dear nameless one,
Well, stop bringing such nasty pie to us, then! If it was a decent pie, like maybe some booberry pie then we’d eat it all up, but no, you have to bring pie fit for one of those Imcando dwarves. Mmm, dwarf.
Next time you come, why not bring one of those special Sophanem pies? Nobody quite makes pies like mummy used to make 'em.
Dear Hill Giants south-west of the Gnome Stronghold entrance,
|I was walking past the Gnome Stronghold earlier today to get to the AMAZING quest about the Wise Old Man, when I saw a group of you wandering around, and I couldn't help wondering why you all wear those shiny blue boxer shorts. They look so clean - you must have a really good laundry somewhere! Can we one day use your laundry, too? Most players seem to wear the same stuff day after day, and RuneScape's getting a tad whiffy, if you catch my meaning.|
|Also, how is it that you call yourselves hill giants despite living where there aren't any hills? Are you originally from some hilly country? If so, what made you leave? And what do you do all day? It looks like you're trying to have a picnic but you forgot to bring the food.|
|P.S. Tell your friends in Edgeville to CLIMB OVER the stupid little rocks and HIT THE RANGERS for a change!|
Dear shiny A1b,
Thanking yous for letter. We is never knowing human beans is having funny chuckles over special pants. Mums is always telling we must be clean pants in case we is getting run over by tortoise stampede. We is changing outfit now. Thanking you!
We is called hill giants 'coz we is looking like hill, not living on hill! See special chiseled features? See arm muscles like, um, hills? Is mossy called mossy 'coz him live on moss or 'coz he is looking like big moving moss?
Next time you come visit, you bring nice mith-wielding picnic.
|Postbag from the Hedge|