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|The Postbag from the Hedge is written for fun and the information contained in the letters is not to be considered canon unless otherwise mentioned.|
Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
|I was wondering yesterday what you do when it comes to the holiday season. You are always partying whenever I see you, jumping up and down like some kind of crazy person! I get really excited when it comes to that time of year, so I cant even imagine what you are like! Do you have to stay away from coffee and sweets? I reckon you would just pop.|
|I was also wondering if you have any family like a Party Paul or a Party Cat. I saw in a poll that it mentioned a party cat and I thought it was really funny to think that you had one. Do you go and see your family? Are they all as excited as you, because I reckon your neighbours must hate you.|
Oh Daveb1glife, let me tell you a secret! When Wintumber comes, I put on my special Party Pete Party Pants! They turn the party waaaaaay up to 11! And sometimes...don't tell anyone...I wake up in the morning and I am already partying! It's like, woah.
During Wintumber I want to party with everything! I partied with Sir. Party Cashien yesterday. He felt the party hurricane! I even threw a pebble at Sir Amik Party's window and partied at him when he came to the window! I'm sure I saw a little chuckle before I got knocked out by a White Party Knight.
Party! Paaaaaaarty! Nobody can stop the party juggernaut! The Pete family get together every Wintumber, Daveb1glife. My Pete brothers - Postie and Pious - we got together last year and rocked the joint! We took a week off and just partied until it felt like the party had drained from the universe. Last Wintumber...hahaha, it makes me chuckle to remember...Postie wedgied a gublinch. Hahahaha! Party!
p.s. - I used to have a party cat, dude. It spent all nine of its lives partying!
p.p.s. - You can leave the party, man, but the party never leaves you! Remember that!
Dear stray dog of Varrock west bank,
|Why do you whine and moan in agony? Why is it you venture through town looking for hope by following players such as myself? I feel bad when I see my fellow players treat you with such disrespect by scaring you away. I'm worried about you, especially about your health and wellbeing seeing as when I examine you I see that you're covered with fleas. I'm also concerned about your diet. Feeding you bones and meat can't be what a dog needs to be healthy, but it gives you some happiness, which makes me feel a bit better. You're my favorite pooch, and it would depress me to hear if any more bad events occurred in your life.|
|Woof Woof, Attraction84|
|P.S I'm not much of a cat fan either, by barking at them you have my respect.|
Dear Woof Woof, Attraction84,
The canine fam’ly be a resilient bunch a beasties, ol’ Woof Woof. Bones ‘n meat can’t fail ta make the tail wiggle, an’ fleas give a darn good reason ta have a scratch. As fer the name callin’: well, sticks an’ stones may break our bones, but they ain’t half good to fetch, too.
Dear Slayer Master Chaeldar,
|I have often assumed that the act of slaying vile monsters was quite hard and perilous, an act that required strength and wisdom, the kind of thing that only the boldest adventurers would even dare to try, but alas I am wrong. As I walked into Zanaris, Dramen Staff in hand, and laid my eyes on you I was shocked. Like most fairies I had met before, you were quite small compared to me. How is it that someone so tiny, so lithe could ever kill any of the scum you send me out to kill? I doubt you could carry a bag of salt let alone a spear, staff or an arrow - well, possibly an arrow - how do you do it? How do you overcome such challenges? If you would be so kind, inform me of your techniques.|
Size matters not. Look at me - judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is this battleaxe, and a powerful ally it is.
Sorry, I don't know what came over me there. The point still stands, however. I think that, even though a bee-sting doesn't actually hurt that much, a thousand is more than enough to kill. I've been told that some of your folk use the following saying: 'floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee'. This is much akin to me. Except that my bee sting happens to be a battleaxe.
I find a battleaxe much more effective than trying to herd bees at people. I tried that once against a horrible beast that was immune to everything but bee stings; it worked - eventually - but I'd not recommend trying it again.
Anyway, I've got to get back to sharpening my axe,
Dear Kaqemeex, Master of Herblore,
|If I ask anyone what the colour of poison is, they'd instantly say green, but is that correct? If you look at the weapon poison potion, it is in fact blue! So my question is, how come the weapon poison potion has a blue colour, but when put on a weapon it turns green? Does it change colour when it gets out in the air or something? Oh, and why on Gielinor are antipoison potions the colour of poison? That kind of creeps me out.|
Countless adventurers use poison in their battles against the monsters of RuneScape and do not stop to wonder why. You have an inquisitive mind, my friend, and that is a wonderful thing!
I believe I can answer your second question, which I will do first, if I may. The chemicals in antipoison share many similarities to those in poison, and in many cases are near identical to those deadly poisons they cure! The subtle differences in the chemicals cause them to negate the poison in your body and render it harmless.
Your first question intrigues me. Your hypothesis about a reaction with air is certainly a possibility. There once was a time when I would have simply told you “it is this way because Guthix would have it this way”, but now I understand his teachings more fully, I realise he would wish me to use my inquiring mind to find the answer!
Thank you, Sonny, you have inspired me to experiment again; I feel like I have the energy of a 60-year old lad again!
p.s. - I don't think my skills are as strong as I remember! Now I've ruined my best robe...
Dear cows of RuneScape,
|Many people may think that you cows are stupid. However, I know that you cows are smarter than the chickens, fish, trees, and many other lifeforms in Runescape that people kill for raw materials. People constantly attack and slay you to get beef, cowhides, bones and easy experience. Why don't you guys do something? The trees have the tree spirits that break axes once in a while, fish sometimes steal players' nets, and there is an evil chicken that I have seen wandering around. Why don't you guys do something like that? Also, the penquins have their own society and military and the frogs have their own kingdom.|
|You guys should get organized too! How about C.A.L.F. (Cows Against Lethal Fighting)? You guys could do something useful for the Runescape community and you wouldn't get killed as much. Sure, some of you make milk, and the ones that do don't get killed, but out of every fifteen to twenty cows, only two are milk makers! Of course, you'd still get killed some of the time just as you kill the grass that you graze on, but it wouldn't be the cow slaying festapalooza that goes on right now. I know what you could do that would be useful: you could find salt licks for people. I have heard that cows love salt and are good at finding it, and just imagine how much tastier everyone's food would be with some salt.|
|Anyway, it's just an idea. I battle you once in a while when I need cowhides, but there are always so many people there doing the same thing. I just wanted to help make your life better. Thanks for being so cool, you're the favorite part of Runescape for a friend of mine, and I think you rock too!|
|Moo Ving On,|
We here at C.A.T.T.L.E. (Cows Are Taught To Lie Earthward) very much appreciate your concern and affection for our species. It has been a long time since we received an ounce of gratitude for the dutiful services we provide, and it comes not a moment too soon!
You see, we were about to hold an emergency meeting with our workers union over whether the care and service we receive from our owners justifies the enormous numbers we lose to ‘hide hoarders’. Despite our incredible ability to multiply, we still feel that our numbers are being whittled down at an alarming rate.
Usually, our apathetic nature would have meant leaving the meeting for a freshly cut patch of grass, but now, with this letter and some of my famous moo-tivational speaking, we might just get our members to stand up and demand an extra trough or two!
Thanks again for all your support,
From everyone here at C.A.T.T.L.E.
Dear dwarven miners
|Thank you for allowing me to mine in your facility under Falador. However, I must express concern that the security is somewhat...lax. The scorpions in the section closest to the Falador entrance could easily find and kill a number of your miners, sneak out and attack Falador, or, Guthix forbid, find their way into Keldagrim somehow, and possibly eat one of your civilians.|
|Shouldn't something be done? If you cannot or will not risk dwarves to kill them, can you at least hire mercenary warriors to put the foul beasts back in their no doubt horribly ugly places? Every creature in Gielinor has its place, although I cannot imagine that the king scorpions' place is so close to dwarves and humans as the mine is.|
Hello there, friend!
Funny story, those scorpions. Well, not funny per sé, but certainly something you could impress your fellow miner with, over a dwarven stout perhaps.
You see, the scorpions were actually my fault in an indirect, bizarre, mish-mash of events kind of way.
Some years ago, I was trying to perfect my dwarf cannon. Now, I would attempt it in some of the most hazardous areas - to push the technology to its limits, you know? So I tried it in the Fight Caves, the lair of the King Black Dragon, etc, etc. It was a failure, I don't mind saying, which had nothing to do with my workmanship or the quality of my materials. It just would not set-up - for some reason I felt like I was not permitted. Very strange.
It was this, now I think of it, that led to me creating the first of "Nulodion's Laws": "It is not permitted to set up a cannon inside many dangerous areas". You should read them - very insightful!
I started breeding scorpions in the mines, to give the cannon something less dangerous to practice with. The cannon made short work of them, so I brought more and more in. I got a little scorpion-crazy, to be brutally honest. Needless to say, one or two have started making babies - which was all the better to test my cannons on. Anyway, don't worry about them running amok: I have a couple of concealed cannons at all exits, ready to fire!
It's been a fun year, with too many interesting updates to count. So, to mark the end of the year, I thought I'd talk to some friends about their highlights! - Pete
Q. Which new quest of the last year did you enjoy most?
I hold the position of Quest Cape master, so it is my duty to complete quests as soon as they come out. This is a duty I take very seriously, but also enjoy. Questing reminds me of my young days as a proud adventurer. Ahh, 'twas a noble life... [Pete: He gets like this... time for a nudge] Oww... what? Oh, right yes - my favourite quest. Well, I enjoy them all, but I did love thwarting that blasted Glouphrie fellow again. He’s a wicked creature, you know!
Q. Other than quests, what was your favourite new introduction to RuneScape this year?
Achievement Diaries*, my bony friend. They’re like quests, don’t you know? In fact, I think I might be the best at achievements, just like I am at quests! Perhaps they should make a cape for that? I wonder if one could wear two capes at once? That would be quite an achievement in itself - rewarded, perhaps, with another cape?
Q. Err...moving swiftly on – What is your New Year’s resolution?
This year I was the first to complete every new quest, thus securing my position as Quest Cape master. Now, I’m not an easy act to follow, but next year I’d like to improve myself by finishing all of the quests before they come out! I have an ambitious plan - a daring break-in of Jagex HQ! I’ll be utilising all the skills I learnt as a youth while thwarting burglars. I will also not be going near any banks.
Q. Bob, which new quest of the last year did you enjoy most?
Well, I’m not much of an adventurer these days, but I do like to wander and sometimes I cross paths with a quest or two. I happened across poor old Ur-Tag on my travels, in need of some help. He mentioned H.A.M. and I jumped at the chance to help out! Somehow, along my way, I never did get any tasty meat, but I did stop some crazy cultists and got a cool mace. All’s well that ends well.
Q. Other than quests, what was your favourite new introduction to RuneScape?
I can tell you what my favourite update wasn’t! What did those great brutes, werewolves, and their yappy relatives, dogs, do to deserve a makeover? Surely, if anyone is going to get pampered then it should be us proud and noble felines. Moreover, these new-look wolves and dogs are twice as terrifying as before! I’m too afraid to go into Canifis these days.
Q. And what would your New Year’s resolution be, Bob?
Well, I’ve heard a rumour that something huge involving animals is coming to RuneScape next year. Of course, we’re always the last to hear about these things, but I’m hoping there will be lots of new furry friends to meet and go wandering with. Obviously, with my superior age and maturity, these animals will probably look up to me as some sort of god or king. That’ll show that snooty Sphinx when I get a few followers of my own! If world domination doesn’t come through, a few new chums would still be grand. Purrr...
Q. Ping and Pong, do I need to ask which new quest you enjoyed most last year?
Both: COLD WAR!
Ping: We were a bit scared and confused at first, when adventurers started traipsing across our iceberg, but once they brought us new instruments to play it was fantastic.
Pong: You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a cowbell on an iceberg! We tried herding cows but they kept sliding off, and they don’t like eating snow.
Ping: You and your crazy schemes! Well, anyway, we love Cold War because we met so many awesome new folk and got some bongos.
Pong: Ping has a point, the bongos are great. Even the coldest iceberg feels like Karamja with a bit of reggae.
Q. What did you enjoy this year, other than new quests?
Ping: Barbarian Training has been great. Pong and I have been learning how to catch fish in a whole new way.
Pong: I agree with Ping, Barbarian Training has been great. Those little fishies never knew what hit them! It was us by the way - we hit them!
Q. What New Year’s resolutions do you each have?
Pong: I’ve been experimenting with freeform jazz for a little while and I think I’ve nearly got it mastered. Next year, I’m going to write an epic jazz saga detailing the history of the penguin through the eyes of the North Wind. I’m going to dedicate it to Ping!
Ping: I’m going to eat fewer sardines between meals.
|Postbag from the Hedge|