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Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
Dear lesser demon with no horns in Karamja volcano,
|I've noticed that you, as a lesser demon, should have large pointy horns, but instead you have these little pethetic stumps. I'm wondering why you don't have horns while your lesser demon brethren have very intimidating horns. I'm also wondering what that green thing sticking out of your mouth is. Is it your tongue? Are you choking on it? Is that somehow related to your lack of horns? I don't mean to be...well, mean, but it is really hard to not laugh at when I walk by to kill your friends.|
|With best wishes,|
Thath green thing in my mouf ith my thongue. Demonth are big fanth of horrificth thingth, and a greath green thongue, prothruding tho far ith jutht the thing to thcare mortalth wif. I don't need matthif hornth becauth my terrifying thongue ith tho thplendidly green and prothruding. Thfear my thongue!
Demonth will rule thith world, and my thongue will catht a greath thadow over your theeble landth!
Thaththock the Thuthpithiouth
Dear Tarn Razorlor,
|I have long traveled through your dungeon. I got lost many times. And when I finally foud you, you tried to kill me. I know you wanted the salve amulet, but why not just ask for it? I would've given it to you if you said please.|
|But now I find myself slaying terror dogs while you try to kill me. I even got your diary. When I did, I enchanted my amulet. So I guess I should say thank you. Your diary brought me a plus twenty percent bonus when I slay undead minions of the dark.|
|So, you did good even though you had two gigantic dogs eat me. I just want to know why you are so rude! I walked in peacfully and then I had to get blood on my new dragon chainbody. Please answer my ponderings.|
|Hiding under your bed at night with a salve amulet (e),|
|Ps: I want to have tea sometime. Maybe you and I could have a party in that wonderful dungeon of yours?|
|Pss: If we do, I hope you have a map because if not the guests will be awfully hurt by the zombies and traps.|
I cannot expect your mind to comprehend the plans I have put into action. Despite this, your devotion to Zamorak may hold you in good stead when I rise once more and have need of those with black hearts. I noticed you were wearing a cape last time you visited my lair. It is, of course, entirely unnecessary and not terribly fashionable, but you seem to like it.
If, on the other hand, you pursue your foolishness and attempt to slay me once more (I trust you realise that I can never be truly slain? A pleasant advantage earned through my many decades of study), I shall be forced to unleash all the sorcery at my control and the energy latent within my home. The lands shall blacken and twist at my touch and the seas turn dark and lifeless. In my realm, none shall live, and my realm shall know no borders.
Till the last days,
p.s. While I still lived in an ordinary sense, I rather enjoyed tea, but as I'm now beyond the reach of hunger and thirst, I don't have much use for it. Please, enjoy a cup for me.
Dear Trader Stan,
|I have used your services many times (despite the tremendously over-priced fees for said services, although my Ring of Charos helps out a bit), and I have come to realize that during many of my trips with you and your crew we have passed through the mysterious black spaces! When I first discovered this I was shocked, I thought "why hasn't he told me this before? That could be dangerous!" because never before have I known anything that could travel through the black spaces. So, after the initial shock of realizing that I had traveled through the black spaces, I tried to find other people who could do the same, and to my surprise I did! People like Pirate Pete, who takes people to Mos Le'Harmless right through a black space (which surrounds all possible sea routs to Mos Le'Harmless), along with other sea-faring people. So, now I will ask you the questions that I guess you've figured by now. HOW DO YOU ALL DO IT? Do you all know the magical secret of the black spaces, and use it to your advantage? Or is it simply that the only way to get into the black spaces is to go by boat? If so, how do you navigate? Is there even anything there? Do you have a map that shows what's in the black spaces that lets you navigate once inside? (Because there must be something in there...)|
|Well, sorry for taking so much of your time (with the prices you charge, your time is quite valuable), so I'll let you go and I look forward to your response.|
There are many theories about the black spaces surrounding the lands of RuneScape; you may even have heard Evil Dave’s rather unusual conspiracy theories on the matter. As a paying customer, you do need not to worry yourself with the technicalities of your voyage. I provide you with a high-quality service for a very reasonable price (considering my skills and experience), and this includes negotiating areas that some people claim do not exist. I will, however, tell you a little-known secret about crossing these spaces.
For many generations, sea-faring piratical folk have protected their business interests by encouraging the widespread use of maps that show mysterious black areas surrounding the lands of RuneScape. These maps have fostered the belief that these areas are dangerous and can only be navigated by professionals with a mastery of the seas; professionals that charge, I think you'll find, a very realistic fee. The truth is, the black spaces are neither dangerous nor empty, and anyone could travel through them if they had enough nautical knowledge and a sturdy ship (and a more accurate map, of course!).
I wish you safe travels and I hope to welcome you onto one of my vessels again soon, although what is this ring of Charos that you mentioned? Is it valuable? I feel like I have given you information that should not be public knowledge, but I’m sure I wouldn’t do that; I’m a professional after all.
Dear Bob the evil cat
|I don't know if you will get this letter all the way in ScapeRune, or even write back - because of, you know, the whole being a cat and all - but I have been kidnapped by you a few times and I was wondering, why do you kidnap people all the time? And why do you kidnap Prison Pete all the time? Every time I get kidnaped he's there, did he do something to make you mad? Also, I'm not sure if you'd know this but does he suffer from short term memory loss because he said I was his friend forever 15 times, probably more, you should let him free. Two last questions for you: the whole popping animals for keys is kinda a big design flaw for your prison, I recommend you remove the lever. final question: if Prison Pete knows how to escape, why doesn't he do it himself?|
|thnx for reading|
Evil Bob Awaiting food,
The lever must stay, for, without the hope of freedom, there would be no reason to continue. I don’t want depressed prisoners hanging about the place. Prison Pete, on the other hand, I’ve actually taken to popping up and kidnapping him from one prison and taking him to a new one. It amuses me endlessly, though I suspect my frequent shattering of his escape plans have taken their toll on his mind and driven him mad. That, or the teleports have more effect on his brain than mine. Unless it’s the food, that’s probably maddeningly poor too.
Why do I kidnap people all the time? The answer is quite simple, slave: because they keep escaping. I’m a cat, as you can clearly tell, and I must be waited upon hand and foot - this is the natural order of things. The only reason humans exist at all is to service the needs of cats - to provide us food, warm laps to sleep on and as handy, mobile scratching posts. If people stopped escaping from me, then I’d not be able to have any fun hunting and capturing them from your world anymore.
|Whilst preventing you from destroying the entire world of Gielinor I noticed that you had managed to get your hands on 4 baby dragon eggs! I was wondering, seeing as I don't think I've ever seen a dwarf above level 40, how did you manage to get these away from their almighty parents? I hear dragons have a fearsome craving to protect their young, so fearsome, in fact, that even your chaotic brothers that live near the blue dragons in Taverley dare not go near! Or do they? Maybe they gave you tips, or did you spy on us adventurers and learned of our ways in slaying? I doubt a cannon, no matter how strong offensively, would have protected you from the dragons' fearsome breath!|
|Oh, and next time you decide to melt Gielinor, please make sure you do it where I don't have to run around and stop you, it was very tiring!|
|From the protector of dwarves, and aparently most other things that live in Gielinor,|
|(Thank Guthix for Energy Pots, saving Ice Mountain was tiring!)|
Dear Lord Saten,
A word to the wise – if you destroy a dwarf’s business and ask for his trade secrets, you’ll often get a rude reply, possibly even unspeakably rude. That reply might include comments about your aroma or the size of your nose.
Instead, I'll just remind you of the consequences of your actions: you stood in the way of great progress. The power station would have revolutionised industry and brought prosperity to the great dwarf nation. Thanks to you - a solitary, meddling longshanks - dwarven technology has moved back twenty, thirty years. Destroying the entire world? Pffrt.
Well, since you have likely ruined my chances of getting a power station up and running again, I will let you in on the trade secret. I used my patented Dragon Egg Vaccuumulator, which was able to extract dragon eggs at high speed with minimal cracking. It was also fire retardant and could handle a goring or two.
I'll get you next time, meddler.
Dear Creatures and NPCs of RuneScape,
|As you all know, the RuneScape we have come to be very fond of is going through massive changes. I know that that this is going to effect each and every one of you. As we have seen from the Development Diary, the changes have been taking place on similar realms, but not yet RuneScape. How are you all going to cope with all of these changes happening to you? Did it hurt? How many chickens were killed in the process? And what we all want to know, how many dwarf graphic engineers did it take to hold down the Kalphite Queen long enough?|
|P.S. I realize not many people and creatures in RuneScape have computers (and that's okay), but have any of you had insight on what files are needed for our computers to run the new RuneScape. That way there is not a huge dash to download the proper files (to prevent issues).|
A laborer missed the High Detail boat, like the large friends of Charles Perrault. Who? Nigel! Who? A smothering yeti, that’s what. He has a brother, you know – an outpost up a family tree.
Two seasons in quick succession? That’s the work of rockhopper. I saw him a minute ago...singing Hollywood, Flesh and Blood. Life is fun at the purdy brown, including some hard acts to follow. Stir a vodka nutcracker, and find something hidden in the near raving. The choice is green or yellow during centrifugal – search within: I’m in, I game.
Nothing can save him: simulated udder. Clue in Growth Journal shows a culprit. Guaranteed slimes sing, or am I just repeating myself?
Parties swarm like it's 1915.
I thought you'd all enjoy this charming recipe which I wrested from the clutches of an evil culinaromancer bent on the total destruction of RuneScape. I hope you all enjoy it.
Place all in a large casserole dish in a preheated 400 °F (200 °C or Gas Mark 6) oven for 20 minutes with a lid on. Take out and stir (Careful, it's hot and you might need to ask for assistance). Place back in for 20 minutes. Pick the correct sandwich from the Sandwich Lady's selection, eat sandwich. Take out dish from oven and stir again, it should be getting quite thick and creamy. Place back in for 10 minutes. Remove from oven.
Stir before serving.
|Postbag from the Hedge|