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|The Postbag from the Hedge is written for fun and the information contained in the letters is not to be considered canon unless otherwise mentioned.|
Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
Dear Jail Guard at the Stronghold of Player Safety,
|I was wondering how you could be so careless as to let so many roaches invade your post? Who is your employer? I will have to file a complaint and request for your immediate sacking! I would also like to know how you got the job of Jail Guard in the fine prison, not that I care, but I always document how the RuneScape residents I get sacked got the job, for my own sadistic pleasure. Oh, and for the purpose of making sure none of RuneScape's fine merchants, such as myself, hire you to collect resources needed for living, I'll need your name, address and a portrait.|
‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, Bren 10000,
Please Bren, I beg ya, don’t mention anything. I’ve got a family to feed: my wife is partial to 'er retail therapy, an’ little Jimmy ‘as got 'is little heart set on joining the Phoenix Gang. Induction ain’t cheap, you know.
An’ my record ain’t that bad. I’ve made extensive notes, as yer can see below:
Year 161 – No-one died
Year 162 – No-one died
Year 163 – No-one died
Year 164 – There was the incident with the raccoon
Year 165 – No-one died
Year 166 – No-one died
Year 167 – No-one died
Year 168 – An army of cockroaches invaded the Stronghold
Anyway, you can’t get worse than the so-called Stronghold of Security. They got an infestation of minotaurs and ankous, dontchaknow. Call that secure?
Poor father of two, with nowt but a penny and 'is dreams.
Dear Frog Princess,
|A while back, I wrote you a letter about this, but I did not get a reply. I can only assume Postie Pete was about to hand my letter over to you when you requested a kiss from him, and his refusal sent him on an unexpected "trip", where he somehow lost my letter. So, I'll pose it to you once again.|
|Can you make a new use for your frog tokens, aside from exchanging them for that dashing outfit at the Varrock Clothing Store? I have that outfit of course, but to own a closet full of the same outfit is a bit weird in my opinion. I have been faithfully saving your tokens in anticipation for a new use for them. I have 120 so far. Probably enough to tile the floor of my kitchen, or perhaps for a garden path and stepping stones in my yard.|
Most honourable Hriak,
I can assure you that Postie Pete was fortunate enough to be offered a kiss from my fair self. Regrettably, this led to some embarrassment, as it transpired that the worthy Postie does not have any lips. Perhaps he forgot about your letter in the confusion.
I'm puzzled by your lack of appreciation for the amphibian masterpieces that may be purchased from Varrock with my frog tokens. I can assure you that I'm never seen in public wearing any other outfit; consequently, it's invaluable that I have a plentiful supply. My brother is similarly attached to his chosen attire.
Nevertheless, I must acknowledge that some people are not blessed with my sense of style. Thessalia, furthermore, has complained that she doesn't find it profitable to hand out fine clothes in exchange for frog tokens; her collection of tokens is considerably larger even than your own. The Council has requested that I offer a wide range of rewards to those who help me, including things like runes and coins, in addition to clothes for those with sufficient taste to appreciate such things. I must ponder this matter carefully.
If you simply can’t wait for these changes, how about settling for a ribbeting game of frog token snap?
I thank you for your letter, and also for your assistance at our last meeting,
HRH The Frog Princess
P.S. May I request that you consider investing in some breath mints before our next meeting?
Dear Larry of Ardougne Zoo,
|Recently I have helped you uncover the penguin conspiracy, I have never looked at Gielinor the same way. After much work, I have 30 Summoning, and you know what that means: a pet penguin! The problem is, whenever I bank my penguin something goes missing, and the penguin is never in the spot I put him. The penguin is an offspring of one of the evil penguins right? My belief is that the penguins have realised the potential of the millions of pet penguins roaming around, so they have begun to send word to the penguins to gather supplies from their owner's bank! Those pesky penguins.|
|P.S.Thanks for the experience from the Penguin Hide and Seek Game.|
My advice is to NEVER let this pet out of your sight; either keep it by your side or install a spying device in your bank. Keep your hens close but your penguins closer, as they say. That said, always treat it well, be friendly and patient: it is a young'un, after all. Perhaps, if it spends enough time with you, it will come to see all humans as allies, reject the ways of its species and bring the penguin empire (and emperor penguins) down from the inside.
You say Penguin Hide and Seek is a game? A GAME? This isn't a game, agent: this is Operation: Ice Spy! If we don't seek out these infiltrators, our entire society will be doomed to a penguin-like existence of marching, dancing and surfing.
|I am writing to you with a question on the pronunciation of certain RuneScape areas. With some in different tongues and others named after people with strange names, I have no idea how to say them. I'm asking you becuase you spend most of your time in the library so you should be able to tell me without any real doubt. I have a list of places that I don't know how to say. Hopefully you can shed some light on to this. Here is the list:|
|Those are about it. I would thank you kindly if I could get your knowledge.|
|Just another adventurer,
My dear Antend,
I have, in the past, been called on to answer many pronunciation questions. This time round, I have decided to round up the twistiest of all the tongue-twisters, in an effort to answer potential future questions:
The elvish language, on the other hand, is far more complex, for their tongues are as agile as their minds, and twice as bewildering. The nearest approximations I can make are as follows:
In general, however, I merely pronounce 'Lletya' as 'Let-ya', and 'Isafdar' as 'Iss-aff-daar', but one should always be aware of other cultures - if only to know when you've angered someone enough to make them contemplate running you through with a large and unpleasantly bladed implement!
Dear Fish of RuneScape,
|Why my fishy friends do you swim by the shore?
The danger is high and there are fishers galore!
Why my fishy friends do you swim in the swirls?
Is the water warm, the salmon friendly in these twirls?
Why my fishy friends do you fall for the bait?
The baits not friendly - not your mate!
Why my fish friends do you not swim away?
Save yourself from your death day!
Why my fishy friends do you not listen?
Is it because you have no ears?
|Saviour of fish.|
THE FISHERMAN AND THE FISH
“Oh mackerel, oh trout, oh herring, oh cod,
Why do you gather so close to my rod?
I could not dream of a playground so vast
Yet you seem to flit wherever I cast.”
A fish calmly flipped out from the sea,
Hopping about as it spoke to me…
“Oh human with rod and fish-grabbing hands,
Why do you gather and form into clans?
Danger abounds, yet you search with your horde
For beasts to fight and cleave with your sword.
Two truths apply to us both in this plaice:
The first is we love the thrill of the chase.
There is nothing in life that matches the fun,
Of turning and dodging and darting as one.
The second is that life can seem to be
A meandering swim through a vast open sea.
We keep friends nearby, like fish in a school,
To make this great sea more like a rock pool."
The fish gave a wink and then turned away,
Jumped off of its rock and into the bay.
Dear Niles, Miles, and Giles,
|The three of you have asked me to identify an item countless times, but I was wondering, since two of the three answers are so obviously wrong, do you really need my help in the identification of the item? I was also wondering, if you are asking me to identify an item, that would mean that you do not know what the item in question is. Why is it that if I answer the question incorrectly, you know that it is wrong. Since you know that I answered incorrectly, that would mean that you already know what the item is and, therefore, do not really need my help at all, wouldn't it? So, tell me, are you three part of some great, elaborate, and evil plan and are trying to distract me with meaningless questions, or are you three just having fun annoying people all day long while we are just trying to live our lives?|
|Your annoyed and meaningless helper,|
Of course we don't need your help in the actual identification of items, per se - we can tell our rat poles from our maple bows. We already employ a triple-level item identification standard operating procedure - i.e., myself and my two brothers. We do, however, require an independant adjudicator to bear witness to our identifications, vis-a-vis, serving due process.
Your part in this, when required, is certainly not meaningless: it helps to catch false claims of item ownership earlier in the legal proceedings. I'm sure you can appreciate the time and money that is saved, hence the small 'reward' that we offer to individuals who aid us.
A number of years ago, our little certification company received a mandate from the Seers' Village High Court to pursue the habeas corpus writ of certiorari, in all cases of disputed ownership. It is a laborious task (that goes on and on, ad nauseum), albeit a legally necessary one...at least for the time being.
We are most hopeful that this little piece of bureaucracy will soon be a thing of the past, and we can all go on a well-deserved holiday, or possibly even retire. I'm sure you know how long these small legal issues can take to resolve. In the meantime, if you can lessen your annoyance, we shall speed up this process - quid pro quo, no?
Giles (and Miles and Niles)
RuneScape Certifications LLP
The Wise Old Man has been at it again, leaving documents on his desk for any passing skull to look at. He didn't seem to mind me publishing the last Temple Knight's dossier, so please enjoy some notes about another of Draynor's VIPs, the Grim Reaper.
Subject: 'Grim Reaper, The'
|Status:Under surveillance - Level: MAROON MENACE|
|Estimated Threat Level:TERMINAL|
|Place of Birth:Unknown|
Destroyer of Life
|Known Affiliates:The Grim Reaper has many, many, many affiliates. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the Reaper's crimes, none of these affiliates (aka victims) are available for comment at this time. Our agents are developing a new sort of commorb that would allow us to conduct interviews with some of the suspect's victims. The Grim Reaper occasionally recruits a servant for his headquarters, but once employed, they are never heard from again. GR's most faithful companion is a skeletal hellhound that answers to the name 'Muncher'. Muncher is highly dangerous and should be approached with extreme caution. Eye-witnesses have reported numerous occurrences of adventurers being killed after attempting to stroke the hellhound.|
|Personality:Few agents have been able to spend enough time in the Grim Reaper's presence to learn about his personality. Intelligence has been able to recover a document code-named 'Death Diary'. Said document contains evidence from the Reaper himself, in the form of diary entries. The diary suggests that the Grim Reaper is clumsy, often causing damage to objects and beasts without intending to. The Reaper appears to care deeply about his work, and he does not have enough free time to keep his headquarters in a hygienic state.|
|Distinct Talents:The suspect's most worrying skill is, without a doubt, his ability to reap living souls. GR is RuneScape's most talented reaper; in fact, his customary black robes are no ordinary vestments, but the legendary Reaper skillcape. In the darker times of RuneScape, the Grim Reaper was revered for being the greatest reaper in all the lands. During this period, he gained large amounts of publicity. At the height of his fame, the GR toured Gielinor, wowing crowds with his talents and his catchphrase of 'Gotta reap 'em all'. The catchphrase even featured on a lucrative range of reaping-themed merchandise, little of which has survived to the present day. GR's celebrity was relatively short-lived, and nowadays he is much more reclusive, no longer performing public reapings.|
|In addition to reaping, the Grim Reaper has a keen interest in campanology. The suspect is the undisputed world champion of belltolling. His title has remained undisputed for many years, simply because no-one dares to challenge him. At his last competition, no judge, competitor or crowd member survived. GR was declared winner by default, as reported by the only surviving witness, a zombie that happened to be passing on its way to terrorise a local village.|
|History:Our investigation has revealed that the Grim Reaper has been ‘alive’ for many centuries. Some say that he is immortal; others say that he is simply undead. All agree that he performs a necessary but terrifying function, and that RuneScape would be a very different place without him. Recommended Action: Careful surveillance, from a safe distance. When modified commorb is complete, use it to communicate with the suspect’s past associates.|
|This image was contained within the dossier. An artist's impression, perhaps?|
|Postbag from the Hedge|