|Navigation: RuneScape Wiki >> Scribbles & Sketches >> Postbag from the Hedge >> Postbag 38|
|The Postbag from the Hedge is written for fun and the information contained in the letters is not to be considered canon unless otherwise mentioned.|
Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
Dear King Roald,
|I have always wondered why you never go in the garden with your wife, the Queen? It puzzles me, as she did it all for you, presumably to reduce your stress. Yet, you are always in there with your adviser. I, personally, think you should spend some time with her.|
Dear loyal subject,
My beloved wife is very proud of her garden. I’m not certain, however, that all the hard work is hers, as she claims. I have never seen her moving heavy statues about and her fingernails are always impeccably clean.
Still, I must show my appreciation for her efforts, which means overcoming my plant allergies. With that in mind, my best inventors have developed a pollen-proof inflatable ball, known as the 'Royal Roller', for me to move around in. Every time I go in the garden, however, my wife shoos me away, accusing me of making the place untidy. Twice she has told me that the Roller clashes with the flowers, and she believes I'll just blunder into things and accidentally uproot one of her beloved trees. Last time I entered the garden, I was ordered to leave because I was blocking the sunlight from her roses!
A garden shed is what I need, to think about those important things in life, and possibly practise my low-level magic. It would have to be kept secret from my wife, of course - she hasn't forgiven me for the last time I practised a spell on her: I had to shear her wool for a week and bring her the finest Kandarin grass until the spell wore off.
HM King Roald
|I am incredibly impressed with your accumulator. I use it all the time, but I just noticed: has it been magnetising my knives? No matter which direction I throw them from, they always land pointing north! I hope you can shed some light on the subject.|
|P.S - Will you be looking into making an upgraded version?|
I won’t ask why you’ve been throwing knives. Still, no scientist can resist an unsolved problem, so I’ve been dropping kitchen knives from the top of Draynor Manor. Rather irritatingly, your findings seem to be correct.
I have managed to disprove your hypothesis, however; I reversed the polarity of your accumulator and the knives kept pointing north. My hypothesis at first glance seems strange: the knives fall northwards because of dinner etiquette.
When you sit down to dinner, your knives must always be to your right, your forks to your left and spoons running across the top. It seems that, over the years, the knives have gained some ‘metal memory’ from this practice. Now, if you leave a knife to fall naturally (as a knife would in the wild), it lands northwards, in preparation for a dessert spoon and fork to land with it.
PS – How exactly would you like your accumulator upgraded, sir? Would you like it pink? With bells and whistles on? Or would you like it to collect your knives?
Dear Farming Allotment Leprechaun,
|I can't see your face, and I don't know your name.
So tell me dear leprechaun, what is your game?
Who gave you that job, if I might be so bold?
Shouldn't you be guarding your crock full of gold?
|You stand at the farming plots holding our tools
I seriously think you consider us fools.
By the time you give something I need for my seeds,
The whole of my plot has now turned into weeds!
|You run to the swamps for the vampyres to bite me,
I honestly think you just do it to spite me!
You hide behind rocks and you hide behind trees,
You know how to bring a young lass to her knees!
|I don't think you're good at your job or half zealous
More of a shade of the little green jealous!
The gardeners here have got something to do,
And of course little man, they are taller than you!
|Think again greenish fella, when turning your back,
Have you thought of things I could do with this sack?
one day I will stamp on your silly green hat!
And what little man will you say about that?
|So I'll leave you my dibber, my buckets and trowel,
'cause for your information, I'm off on the prowl,
While you're holding my tools, it will be my great pleasure,
To search for your rainbow...AND STEAL ALL YOUR TREASURE!
|(An annoyed Farmer)|
Well, my name is Patrick; I'm a farmer by trade,
I'm sorry you're angry 'bout the way I've behaved,
But I've tried, so I have, to make your life brighter,
By holdin' your tools, so's you might travel lighter.
I can see that you're cross 'bout the weeds on your plot,
But we leprechaun folk are a capable lot,
So maybe, young mistress, it's not us you should blame,
For the weeds that are growing on your plot again.
Now I may not be tall, or look all that jazzy,
But soon, dear Tully, I'll be looking quite snazzy;
My feelings aren't hurt by the jibes in your letter,
'Cause one day quite soon I'll be looking much better!
And as for your claim, miss, that you'll take all me gold,
That's as hollow a boast as I've ever heard told,
For everyone knows that a leprechaun's money,
Is harder to steal than an angry bee's honey.
So the next time you find yourself getting so cross,
Remember that, with farming, it's me who's the boss!
And though you may not find us leprechauns charming,
There's no other folks that know more about farming.
|I was outside pickpocketing the guard...er...getting a haircut, when I began to wonder: what is your Agility level? I tried looking you up, but it didn't show you on the Highscores! Is it so high that it sits above the top two million rankings for Agility? You can't take many breaks...|
|A rat-loving friend, Pauliefun|
(Dictated to Postie Pete while Ridgeley runs) Greetings friend,
I actually donate my Agility xp to worthier causes, as I've got more than I could ever need. In fact, I've even established my own charity organisation. My Foundation for Underprivileged & Restricted Rodents (& Yaks) is a lifeline for those rats, chinchompas, mice and others that do not have access to Agility training areas or obstacle courses. By donating my extra XP, I feel like I'm giving something back to nature and restoring balance to the world.
The hairdresser is not as thoughtful and caring as me, but I understand just how important it is to remember the little ones. I will never let my talent obscure my view of the creatures beneath me. I may have good looks, astronomical Agility skills and worldwide fame, but I am still little Ridgeley from the block.
You can show your own support for my cause by donating a piece of cheese the next time that you are in the area. Your cheese donation will make a real difference, helping me to run as fast as possible, obtaining optimum levels of XP. For just two pieces of cheese a month, you will be helping me to raise the Agility experience of a yak by five whole levels.
F.U.R.R.Y. Registered Charity No. 1337
|Are there any more of the Mahjarrat sealed away? We know that you and Akthanakos were sealed and Sliske is hiding in the 'shadows', but are there more than the nine of you? My friend said that there's one called Zeox, sealed near Falador, but is he bluffing? I am told that he is near some rocks with weird-looking symbols on them.|
'Zeox' is not a name used by my kin, at least not in our own tongue. I suppose it could be that one of us had taken a title more amenable to the weaklings who believe they rule this world, but I cannot imagine that such a name would find favour anywhere near the deluded city of the White Knights.
To answer your more sensible question, I do not know how many of us remain upon this world. Since my release, I have resumed connections with the closest of my allies, and sent my agents to observe my enemies - but we Mahjarrat are accustomed to the shadows, and the mortal eyes I must use to search for my kin are not. I have discovered that many of us have entered the death-sleep, and that Mizzarch, Lamistard and Ralvash were the most recent to face the void in the Ritual.
It is possible that some of the weaker of my tribe survive in hiding - Jhallan was always so inclined, it is the way of the cowardly and weak-willed. Kharshai may yet live, I can sense no trace of his death upon this world, but nor can I sense his pulse; perhaps his neutrality has earnt him a prison such as mine was.
Be aware, mortal, there could be as many as a hundred of us still upon this world, with dozens more returned from other realms, but equally there could be as few as ten, each as mighty as one of your armies.
Finally, be sure of one thing: Sliske does not hide. An ally he may be, but I did not become master of my Lord's legions without being sure of the powers wielded by those close to me. Sliske is one whose actions can be seen each and every day in the smallest of this world's details.
For the honour of my Lord,
I’ve often wondered – as I’m sure you have – just how dangerous TzTok-Jad is. Well, fellow warriors, wonder no more! Having spent decades of my life in battle with the most dangerous of creatures, and an equal amount of time calculating how many tinderboxes it would take to set Morytania alight, I can assuredly provide you with the theoretical results of the most epic battle never to have graced the Fight Cave of the TzHaar city: TzTok-Jad vs. Chickens!
Unfortunately, chickens are categorically incapable of hurting TzTok-Jad, so I’ve had to use roosters. Not quite the same, but amusing nonetheless.
It should be noted that chickens are capable of fighting diagonally, but only when in the Fight Cave. This little-known fact accounts for the fact that TzTok-Jad is actually allergic to chicken, even though the temperature in the TzHaar city is actually too high for any normal chicken to survive longer than a few minutes. For convenience, I assume roosters can do the same.
First, some interesting numbers:
A rooster has 70 life points. They have a 0.77% chance of hitting TzTok-Jad, and then only a 50% chance of inflicting a measly 10 life points in damage. Against an Yt-HurKot they are much more successful, and have a 5.48% chance of hitting, followed by the same 50% chance of inflicting 10 life points of pain.
TzTok-Jad has 2500 life points, and will ordinarily regain 10 lost life points every minute. When he has 1500 life points left, four Yt-HurKot will spawn to heal him. As a godly creature of magma-fuelled destruction, TzTok-Jad has an average chance (across all attack methods) to hit a rooster of 99.78%, and has an average maximum hit of 965 damage.
Yt-HurKot have 600 life points, and will heal 10 life points per minute. They have a 98.85% chance of hitting a rooster, and can inflict up to 110 life points of damage.
Right, on with the amusing theories…
|Postbag from the Hedge|