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Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
|When I first told you that I had contacted Zaros, you said “finally the order shifts towards balance again” and I think we both agree that Zamorak's rise to power wasn't balanced.|
|But then I told you the story of how I found, freed and fought Char, you said that you can’t look upon Zaros’s return kindly.|
|I can respect your point of view, but I’ve never really understood it, especially when it comes to gods.|
|Do you think I’m making a mistake in helping Zaros to return?|
|He has helped me many times, even before I offered him my help, but I’d like to hear what you think.|
|Your friend and storyteller
If you would do me a favour, Zaros Law, I’d like to reply with a story. It feels balanced to offer a tale of my own.
Before Guthix fell to slumber, hundreds of lifetimes ago, he came to each of his creatures and asked one question: “What gift can I Ieave you with?”
I’d heard others talking about the question before he came to my home. I saw the trinkets they requested: the caches of runes; the weapons. Yet, souvenirs seemed so trivial in the face of my master leaving me, and I could not help but see their treasures as a swap; a form of balance in themselves: their love for Guthix given, and their treasures received in exchange.
And so, my time came. Guthix sat with me and asked the question that I dreaded: “What gift can I leave you with?” I lowered my sight from his, tearful, and my one desire whispered from me: that you stay with us. I was not articulate, I was not gracious, and I had asked my god to stay with me – as if he could grant such a thing. I felt ashamed; that I had somehow failed him.
But Guthix rested a palm on my head, and eased me with a smile. “This world is yours now, Juna. Yours forever; free from the manipulations of gods. That is my first gift, but you deserve another. So, I give you my tears, and in those tears you will know that I am ever-living; that I am with you, and that I weep to be apart from you.” He lifted the palm from my head and left, to leave me and the world forever.
So I stayed in the cavern you find me in, guarding the Tears of Guthix, never once moving. And I have never doubted that he loves me, that he has not left us, and that we are in his thoughts. I feel a love for this world, and a love for the master who gave us the freedom of it.
Should you look for it, my answer to your questions sits within the story. Although our gods differ, there is so much that echoes between us. I hope your heart is open enough to accept the answer, and that you can understand the direction I give you.
Dear Lord Drakan
|I was wondering: why do you keep so isolated in a castle that people can't get to? I've been wondering how to get in there, and with countless trips around the castle walls I can never find a way to get in the castle grounds. Will you ever open it up to the public and maybe have people pay to get a tour of your castle? I, myself, would enjoy that.|
|Your friendly world hero SuperXero1|
From the desk of Tithe-Master Von Blott,
Representing the house of Lord Drakan, Unsurpassable Ruler of Morytania
Dear Inconsequential Food-Sack,
Do not write to this address again. As per the laws of Morytania, it is a legal offence for a 'human' such as yourself to directly address our Lord Drakan; punishable immediately by permanent tithing until death. Furthermore, we lost three tithe-slaves in our fight to remove your human stench from the doorstep after your letter arrived.
Following the usual process, I have issued your details to the Vyrewatch ranks and instructed them to arrest you on sight to be brought back to the castle for sentencing.
Firstly, I apologise in advance for my inability to direct this letter to a proper individual. I am sadly unaware of any specific TzHaar leader and I fear that, even if I were, I would be unable to recall his or her name.
|There are three questions that have been nagging at my mind recently:|
|How do you create battle-worthy equipment out of obsidian? To the best of my geological knowledge, obsidian is a form of glass, which would be unsuited to the rigors of combat on Gielinor. It seems that such a feat would be impossible, yet here I stand with my faithful obsidian shield. Is there more to obsidian than most are aware of? Does the obsidian cape actually have obsidian in it, or are the beneficial combat effects it bestows merely placebos?|
|Secondly, if you are capable of working such brittle materials into such lovely weapons and shields, why not create true obsidian armor? To make an obsidian platebody would take tremendous skill, which you certainly seem to possess, and I know many adventurers would flock to your fine city to purchase such wares. Besides, the dwarves could use some healthy competition.|
|Finally, what's the deal with onyx gemstones? Every other jewel, from opal to diamond, seems to be abundant across the world, yet no man has ever found an onyx outside of your shops and the occasional sneaky impling whom I presume had gotten into your shipment crates. Are they truly as hard to locate for you as they are for us, or is there something more to these lovely black gems that isn't apparent to us adventurers? And why do they cause my gold to become black when I create onyx jewellery?|
|With best wishes,
I am TzHaar-Mej-Tak. The TzHaar do not have a ‘leader’, as the JalYt would term it; our daily routines and roles within TzHaar society are known to us upon birth, and a social structure where one rules over others is unnecessary. I have substantial experience of JalYt written language, and the task of answering your queries is mine.
Toktz, or “obsidian,” is used in the creation of TzHaar weapons for many reasons: It is abundantly available in the depths of our city, and it can be honed to a very sharp, yet brittle, edge. Finally, it is conductive of the enchantments that we place upon our equipment, which is why the obsidian cape is made from interlinked slivers of obsidian.
My knowledge of the war arts is limited, but I understand that effective, efficient use of bladed weapons is a mark of a truly skilled TzHaar-Xil. We TzHaar are naturally resistant to attacks which cut or pierce. TzHaar-Xil who, despite this, are able to inflict lethal cutting attacks with such efficacy that the edge of the weapon remains keen are numbered among our most honoured.
The toktz-ket-xil’s honed ridges of obsidian make it ideal for parrying and riposting – hence the ‘xil’ (‘sharp’) element of its name. I have encountered JalYt bearing off-hand blades known as “defenders,” which serve a similar purpose. As for armour, it is not something used by the TzHaar. Our bodies are stone and our blood magma, unlike the soft, yielding flesh of the JalYt. I suppose that obsidian plates could be prepared and enchanted to absorb blows, if a tactical situation arose where this was necessary.
Black onyx is relatively uncommon even within our home, and is difficult to extract. It is ground to a fine powder, and is combined with molten gold to create a malleable material, darker in colour than gold and more magically conductive, for the creation of delicate artefacts. To use it for the adornment of JalYt armour would be a frivolous use of such a valuable material.
As for the implings – well, they are an ever-present pest to the TzHaar-Hur, and our losses from stolen onyx are substantial. My own research has determined that they are, indeed, flammable, and make a satisfying squawk when combusted in mid-air.
Dear Head Chef,
|I am currently on a quest of sorts to sample every piece of food available in Gielinor, systematically, by ease of creation, followed by items I know not how to create. However, I cannot obtain certain ingredients in my current locale, and was wondering if you could suggest some substitute foods to approximate both flavor and taste. I have looked all over my local market and cannot find:|
|Also, I am not much of a brewer, and have thus had trouble finding any of the following drinks:|
|As the undisputed master of cooking, I hope that you are capable of suggesting suitable substitutes.|
|Awaiting in hunger,
Aw come on, Pwnester. Seriously? Lloyd our "head chef" hardly does any work. "Ruling with a wooden spoon" my rear! How about you take some advice from a real chef?
We'll start with some basic niceties: when in my kitchen, asking for my advice, it is mandatory that you refer to me as Chef. Got it?
I'm going to assume you're looking for these items in your realm because if you can't find them in Gielinor... well, there's just no hope for you.
Next question is how long have you been cooking? To start, many of the ingredients you list are already available to you. Hello! Why has the proper research not been performed?
*turns away* I don’t want any arguing, I just want two seaturtle risottos, yes? *turns back*
Let me help you out a little bit: you can get eel, toad’s legs and monk fish, for a start. Maybe I’ll let you get away with kelp and rainbow fish as they go by slightly different names: seaweed and rainbow trout.
For Evil Dave's Spices of DOOM, that’ll be: cayenne, paprika, turmeric and dried coriander. Gnome spice is a complex flavour, similar to quatre épices (pepper, nutmeg, ginger and clove). I never need anything else in my cooking.
*turns away* Where’s the chompy sauce? WHERE IS THE &**^$%£ CHOMPY SAUCE? This is a kitchen nightmare!*turns back*
For fruits you’ll need:
With your meats it’s a bit simpler, yes? The majority just taste like turkey - even the fish. The secret to their flavour is what you do with them. Having said that, I find raising them yourself and, in particular, naming them can make a real difference to the meat. Try names such as Antony, Ainsley, Jamie, Delia, Gary and Nigella - they worked for me.
*turns away* *For Guthix's sake, man - IT'S RAW! Just throw it in the bin. I wouldn't serve that to a dog. *turns back*
On the brewing front; do I look like a bartender? Seriously though, I have an F-Word for you right here: fermenting. The vat used in the brewing process adds a very specific flavour to these beverages. It really cannot be replicated. It's all about using the proper tools. Without them you're just a cook, not a chef, yes?
Anyway, now that my superior palate has done your work for you, I need to get back to the kitchen; it's beginning to look like everything's gone to the Abyss. I swear these idiots can’t be left alone for 5 minutes without messing things up.
Adam Roy Norgs
Dear Safalaan Hallow, of the line of Queen Efaritay;
|While I write this I am crouched in a shady corner of Darkmeyer, hiding from the Vyrewatch and their desperate attempts to find (and mostly likely kill) me. It has been just over a month since I last saw you. A little over a month since you abandoned the Myreque, your friends and comrades. –sigh- I think you know by now your historic lineage; that Icyene blood gives you life. Yet the last news I have had of you is you trusting a member of the Drakan family - that witch Vanescula! That leads to the one million gold question:|
Warrior of the Unknown Path
|PS: I couldn’t risk the Vyrewatch tracking me down through the letter, but I know you will pick up on my identity.|
|PSS: A friend of mine, Mickyjoe62, wished me to pass along a little poem based on you and your mothers race;|
|Beautiful wings, flashing swords
Blue feathers, outstretched wings
A dark menace, gleaming fangs
A single feather falls, shining light is abound
A single feather lost in the wind
But one feather may tip the scale.
|Well that’s it. Till next time, Son of the Hallow|
I find it truly amazing that your letter reached me here; but I am very grateful. It is good to have some communication while I am on my journey alone.
Firstly, I must apologise for seeming as if I abandoned you. I cannot yet tell you why, but I hope you can trust me when I say I had to leave, and have every intention of returning. In the mean time, your letter reassures my belief that the Myreque can continue without me for now. I am just there to serve as a leader; you, and all our Myreque brethren, are more than capable of keeping up the fight. Indeed, you say you are in Darkmeyer and that you have learned about my supposed heritage, so you must have already made great progress in my absence.
As for the specific vampyre you mentioned, I must be ambiguous as we cannot be sure that these channels are secure. I spent time with this vampyre before I left, and I must tell you that I have complete faith in them, and their intentions. I know it is difficult to accept that such an individual would want to help us, but they have my complete trust. I hope when I return we will be able to use their knowledge to great advantage in our fight. I know I cannot force you to accept them, but hopefully I can reassure you with my opinion.
Finally, I must thank your friend for their poem. It has certainly lifted my spirits in such a miserable place.
We shall be fighting alongside each other again soon.
Dear Max, the Completionist Cape awarder,
|I have always wondered which God you follow. I am a follower of Guthix and I was kinda hoping you would be to as Guthix would be a nice touch. You have balanced all your skills, quests and music to the top which Guthix is the God of: Balance.|
|I look forward to your reply.
While I'd love to be called the completionist cape awarder, I am but a humble seller of the max cape. I am well aware of Guthix, but unfortunately for you, other than being balanced at all 99's I still have XP all over the place. I'd have to say, after managing to solo Nex and get the Torva, I had no real choice but to praise Zaros for giving me such luck.
Back to it!
I’m always wary of the Chaos Elemental’s movie marathons. They never fail to leave you battered, broken and confused. The first year was Reese Witherspoon’s back catalogue at 100x speed. The second year, he put us all to sleep and ‘incepted’ the Alvin and the Chipmunk movies directly into our subconscious. Last year, he played the movie Twister while spinning us round on office chairs.
It looks like this year will be even stranger. Just check out the programme that arrived in the post today (for those not in the know, it may include clues of upcoming RuneScape content):
Boba Fett's The Crucible – Classic courtroom drama re-imagined with jetpacks and ziplines. Cloned women fight each other in zero gravity. Whoever wins is guilty of being a witch. Stars: Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston, Nicolas Cäpe, Rolo Veggues
The Queen's Speech – True story of a Queen who sets fire to people when she stutters. Parasites propose that she rapped her jubie lee speech. A soldiered knight rethinks the issue and finds that the solution is song. Stars: Greg Kinnear, Mandy Patinkin, Alex Kingston
The Wrath of Carnillean – Experience the newest sensation: a story directed and acted in by you as you watch it! Critics are calling it "a diarmond story to treasure" (The Ardougne Chest), that "feels like home" (Phasmatys Old Herald). Stars: You, Sarsaparilla, Philip.
Some Like it Cold – Mistaken identity comedy, a piece of wartime camp. 1Öth Annïversary Edition. Elementary penguin singing Hari Krishna , B2 + C2 + D2 = CCC in BS. Stars: Danny DeVito, Namor, Tom, Dick and Harry. Narrated by Morgan Freeman.
|Postbag from the Hedge|