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Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
|I have just visited your forest again to search information about Seren but couldn't find much and as you seem to be Seren followers, I would like you to tell me more about her. She seems to be a great goddess, but there isn't much information about her. As one of her loyal follower I would realy like any information you could give me and all other people that are interested in her.|
It is far too difficult to explain Seren using your human tongue. All I can offer you is this picture of her, and to tell you that you hold her in your hands whenever you wield a crystal bow or crystal shield. She is the seed which gives them life, and which takes it away again.
As far as followers are concerned, all elves follow the path she has laid out for us...but I have never known a human to follow it.
Blessings be with you.
Dear Makeover Mage,
|I am writing to you to ask you: where did you get your yin-yang amulet? I have searched as far as I can, asked as many as I can, even some who might know! Yet, none can answer me. So now I ask you - where did you get that amulet, and is it, or will it ever be possible, to get one like it? Also, how did you get your powers to change appearance, and is there any way others (like myself) can aquire them, too? And can you change people further than mere skin colour and gender?|
Stormcrafter of The Kindred Clan
|PS. What is your actual NAME?|
My abilities? Well, in all honesty they all come through the amulet I wear. I found it one day after killing a whole nest of gazulibirds (now long extinct). I put the thing on and suddenly my hair grew down to my waist! Further experimentation led to the powers you see today. I used to do haircuts, too, but old age has got the better of my eyes and I don’t want a customer to lose an ear!
I have never thought about retailing my amulet - to do so would be disastrous to my business. People are often remarking how handsome it looks, though, so I may ask Doric if he can fashion me a few copies. Pop by when you're in my area and I am sure we will be able to strike a deal. It’ll only be a copy, so don’t get any ideas about putting me out of a job! I don’t want to go back to bending spoons for a living.
PS. My name is Pete, or Peta, depending on my mood.
|I have few questions I would like to ask you:|
|Firstly, why are you so small?|
|Secondly, is burnt bread your favourite food?|
|I could be your penfriend, if you like, or perhaps your penenemy.|
We’s likes you Bjni, penenemy be impish word!
Us Imps is small ‘cause we likes it that way! It got nothing to do wiv us lettin dat Greygrag fink dat cause we is small, we is easy to control! Him silly finking we do his bidding...he do our bidding! Imps is letting wizzys get sleepy, den BANG! It all over! Imps be rulers! You Postie no tell mages or dere be beads n letters all over de sea! Mmmm, beads. Red ones is best. Mmmm, you got any beads in dat bag dere?
Oh, great and powerful Chaos Elemental,
|I am a lowly scholar, longing to know more of your origins, as well as your abilities.|
|My first question to you is, can you talk? If not, then I am wasting my breath, I suppose.|
|The second: If you are a pure manifestation of Chaos, then why do you not fire your oh-so-deadly spells when there aren't victims? This would seem that there is indeed a strong order within you.|
|The third: Are you any relation to the air, water, fire and earth elementals presently residing under the ground of a town known as the Seers' Village?|
|My fourth: If you are indeed of common origin as those elementals, are there as of yet undiscovered mind, body, death, etc. elementals lurking in some corner of the world? I wouldn't fancy meeting the elemental of blood!|
|And my last question: How did you come to the land which we have come to know as 'the Wilderness'? I can imagine that the story would be quite a thrilling tale!|
|With my scholarly questions asked, I can only plead that you haven't already killed the postman who is unfortunate enough to deliver this, and that you would be courteous enough to fill another page or two in the library of Varrock.|
|Many thanks for your time,
Go. It smells like quarter past. Cabbages make the best soup. No, broccoli! Killerwatt killerwatt where have you been? Duckling ugly an was once there. Chaos Soahc, Jas. Hello? 15 at the last count. Did it ask a question? Bizarre boron swell, coolcoder9t tasty, doctor cole cruchy, meaty goodness. Chompy make da bestest yums! No, it seeks the blade. Stop the shifter, torcher and penance! Burn down the rum! Arrr, that it be. Checkmate queen, the boys are in town. My arm's adventure seeks solace with the sorcerers’ garden. Wilderness? Rewind less? Weird lens? Tanath cur!! Tanath cur!!
Dear King Black Dragon,
|Have you noticed that you're not the strongest monster in RuneScape anymore? After the Kalphite Queen and now the Chaos Elemental came along, they made you look weak. You cannot let this happen to you! Fight them! You could own them if you tried. Tell me if you get back your title as strongest monster.|
Our time here is short. Our masters only leave us this place so we may bring false hope to the humans. With defeat comes rebirth, with rebirth comes conflict. With conflict comes passion, with passion comes power. With power comes a price. New challenges will only bring them closer to the end, to the precipice of the unknown, to the Kin, and they will show no mercy.
Your perception of strength will be your undoing, tasty morsel.
Dear Sandwich Lady,
|Why, oh why, did you kidnap me and dump me in Varrok? All I did was try to take a sandwich for a snack. That really hurt me when you hit me with that loaf of bread! I mean, you're the Sandwich Lady - you're supposed to let me have a sandwich.|
|P.S. Umm...I think I have short term memory loss from that hit on the head...|
Saaaaaaaandwiiiches! Well, it’s my job to teach you all about new foods – you can’t go around eating the same old thing everyday! Besides, you didn’t pay for it, did you? In my day, adventurers were happy with just a loaf of bread with some cheese! Not these days, it's all foccacia bread, hand-reared ham with a layered bagel and a cappucino! And then there's... Oh, hang on, you're looking a little pale, did you want a sandwich? But you can only take the triangular one….
|Why don't you tell us what happened (in detail) in the icelands. What type of monster bested such a great adventurer as yourself? And when will the wedding be? I mean, how hard is it to find a priest? I can read a Guthix wedding ceremony or would you rather have a Saradominist or Zamorakian ceremony? I could fine someone!|
|Sincerely your humble sucessor
Acet High King of Miscellania
Regarding the wedding, you know how awkward my children can be! Both of them claim to have nothing to wear, Brand is busy writing his own version of the wedding march (Guthix save our ears from that one) and Astrid, well, Astrid seems to think that she needs her own palace built before she even puts thought to a wedding. Kids can be so demanding! Apart from all of that, there are rumours that Etceterians are exploring the caves below the islands, which can only lead to no good. We can't have the palace cave in during a royal ceremony, now can we?
Regarding my travels in the icelands, I have been considering getting my story written down as a book so all may enjoy it. If I do, I’ll let the Postie know and we can discuss it over a nice warm glass of mead.
Dear cows and sheep of Zanaris,
|Hi! I must say, I am impressed with the fact that I can talk to you two without sheep and cow speak amulets. But I have a question:|
|How do you speak like we humans do? Is this gift of the local fairies that surround you? Or is it a gift of our glorious god Guthix? (Hail Guthix!) Anyway, I would like to know.|
|(P.S. to Postie Pete - you've gotta do the Lost City quest to get into Zanaris. Start with those four dudes hanging out at the entrance to Lumbridge swamp.)|
Anerisgreat (he is)
Well, after a few hours searching for a little chap and dodging past greater demons so I could do a spot of tree surgery, I eventually reached Zanaris and its talking sheep. Fortunately, the sheep in question was more than prepared for my questions and recited this poem for our amusement:
In the body of the fairy land
Where the gems are sharp and the feasts are grand
Lives a group of philosophical cows
With sheep that sing and have books to browse
It is said that the magic of the fair
(No matter how contrary)
Affects all that treads on its noble floor
To forget the trials of death and war
I’m sure you’d agree, given the choice;
Eaten for food, or given a voice?
Dear Wounded Imperial Guard Soldier near Death Plateau
|I have recently been passing you while on my way up to slay the trolls that you and your fellow soldiers fail to do and each time I see you and stop to chat. You tell me your friends are sending a stretcher party soon and that you don't want my help. First off, I talked with some of your friends and they never mentioned you and I asked about a wounded soldier needing a stretcher, and they were like, "Who?". Seriously, I'll drag you back or something. Why did you go up there anyways? Try reading the sign next time, dummy. And why don't you just crawl back to camp? Surely it wouldn't be that hard.|
I’m afraid I couldn’t possibly divulge the secret nature of my special mission, sir, ‘specially one so secret that not even I know about it. Apparently, my brother Harold (he’s the clever one in the family) has been keeping guard of the weapons room, and doing a very good job of it! They tell me they are so impressed with the Brothers Dimm (that’s us) that they want me to guard the signpost! I reckon it’s a trick, 'coz no signpost needs guarding, so I must be on a special secret mission! Anyway, bit of fake blood an' a limp, and everyone's convinced! So I tell you... Argh! Watch out for that rock! Arrgghh!
|Postbag from the Hedge|