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Welcome to the "Postbag from the Hedge": bringing you insight from some of RuneScape's most talked about monsters and residents.
I'm Postie Pete and I relay the messages you send to to the various characters, monsters and inanimate objects in Gielinor. The replies range from the serious to the funny or down right outrageous. Occasionally they even hint at up-and-coming content.
It should be mentioned, that the nature of the Postbag means that there could be spoilers for past or future content.
|First off, let me express my deepest admiration for you and your life's work, complaining. I myself am known as a masterful complainer, one for the ages. We would be good friends. What I wish to inquire, though, is how is it possible that you are the only ghost in all of the Runescape universe that can speak English? When you are protesting, you are clearly speaking in English, but when I approach you to discuss your views on contemporary politics, you seem unable to comunicate with me unless I am wearing a ghost-speak amulet. Does your complaining truly transcend the laws of nature?!?! Also, I'm outraged at the price of kebabs these days! Can I get an amen?|
|PS - I think your ghostly robes are a little revealing, if you know what I mean|
|Sincerely your fan (and equal), Aeacus 1|
Dear Aeacus 1,
Sadly, my invisible amulet of humanspeak was enchanted by one of Ali M’s mages, hence the enchantment only ever lasts for woo woo woo woo. Woo? Wooo!
|It appears you occasionally grab players' heads with your hand - why do you do this? Even if the player dies, you still don't seem to eat it, do you do this for enjoyment? Why do you grab the head? Do you enjoy devouring hair? Why not grab them by the arm? Please have mercy on our favorite postman, Postie Pete, I'm sure he's bald (I've always imagined him so). Could you give us a picture of your whole body instead of that annoying little claw that continuously leaves claw marks in my skull? I've always imagined you as some sort of super-goblin (kinda like the Hulk).|
|P.S. I can understand you attacking Postie Pete now, he must have a mustache!|
Dear Chaos Elemental,
|The Bubbles? The Bubbles! WHEEEE! For long is the Aardvark of my hair. No you can't have it! Here you go. So the bear told me bad dad was a tree. Arrr! Hit that cheese with a hammer! Forsooth my pie has fled! Wiggy wiggy wiggy woo. Red! Green! Red! Green! Red! Green! Pink! Mr. Molar won't like that very much. I disagree that square is clearly a circle. I feel like a salad. There is only so much rune essence I can force under my toenails. I can fit more between my ears! Torment my pickles no longer! Socks go on your feet. Please leave a shriek after the message. There was a duckling so I shot him with a Multi-cannon. Abysmal Abyssal, he should seek therapy. Quack! Cluck! Moo!|
In my house, cup of tea? Angry bow gets boost, she is reborn, the chosen one! Bubbles to my new home, flaky scalp. Cheese pie, mmmm. Triangle? Pyramid! ; PK me mum! Lunar eclipse brings us closer to them. The museum will close in 10 minutes, please make your way to the nearest age. Helping hand please. Illusion long dead, is they? Ferrets will find them. Hidden in the tree they were. Blue egg rises. Shhhh. Vyre warning, take a bite. Helm must be rejoined when the Gypsy gets a makeover. Hum uncle us. Mamma Mia, that’s a big basket! Mallum 12, Witchaven 0. For Shiver my quiver. Watching, forever watching the bones of the past. They will come for my bride! Bah bah barby have you any null? Stuff the chicken, stick the chompy. Comfy magnets. Yes mate yes mate 10 waves full. One for the ranger, one's never enough, and 2 for the little boy who collected all the stuff. Have you seen my arm?
Dear Bob (of Bob's Axes),
|Why can't I just use a herring to chop down a tree?|
It can’t be done... Unless it’s a red one.
Colonel Thormen reporting to General Azzanadra,
|My recent adventures through the sole land still remembering the Lord, i.e. the Desert, have brought some interesting results. After freeing you from that terrible, much too small prison those traitors wrestled you in, I have spoken to some ghosts. After finding out these were the foul mud crawlers that, like inferior slaves, brought that snake of a Zamorak the Staff of Armadyl, only my immortal loyalty to the Lord kept me from turning around and leaving these heretics in their righteous punishment. This disgust made however that I couldn't remember everything afterwards. I would like to ask you to clear some things up.|
|I know, so far, that Zaros has been proud ruler of your race the Mahjarrat. One of the ghosts told me, however, that a god named Icthlarin was a ruler of the Mahjarrat as well, and that your sunken brother Zamorak stole it from him. Now, this would mean that either Zamorak stole the rule over your race from Icthlarin, and gave it to Zaros, or it would mean that Icthlarin is our Lord!|
|Now, the first possibility doesn't seem likely to me, as I know that Zamorak was a shameless thief, and wouldn't have handed the Mahjarrat over to the Lord. It seems most likely to me that Icthlarin is indeed Zaros. Could you, o divine warrior of the south, please imply me with your knowledge on the subject?|
|Another, more recent, accomplishment I have made, is the freeing of your loyal brother Akthanakos. He was trapped by that foul ant, Enakhra, and they are now battling each other in a place they call 'the North'. I did not understand what they meant, but I understood that it was urgent. Maybe it's the land of Acheron I have heard about. Maybe you, the benefactor of all that is good, can figure out what the meaning of 'the North' was.|
|Other than that, I must inform you about the whereabouts of Gielinor. It is two, almost three ages after Zamorak cowardly imprisoned you. As you saw, the place your pyramid was built has turned into a the sole place where the Lord is worshipped anymore. After Zaros was stabbed in the back, Zamorak and Saradomin claimed his lands. Now, the places where once stood the mighty fortresses of Ghorrock, Dareeyak, Annakarl and Carralangar have been claimed by that traitorous pretender. Also, the lands east of the Salve, where once stood Kharyrll, have been claimed by him as well. Saradomin rules the rest of Zaros's former empire, including some lands to the west. He tells our human species that he is the good god, and that we should live by his 'wise philosophies' of law and order. It sounds like a strong dictatorship to me, but most humans fall for his tricks. Our Lord is almost forgotten, the world seems doomed... We must secure the rise of the Lord, so that he may bring wisdom to our lands again!|
|Yours and Zaros's eternally,
Well I am impressed that postman has managed to track me down and pass me your missive, clearly I am getting careless in my old age.
You seem to have some severe theological misconceptions: One thing I must make very very clear, Icthlarin is not in any way shape or form the same person as my lord!
It is a sad day when so much has been forgotten of him, that even one of the loyal could make such a mistake. Had you not rendered great services to our cause recently, you would have caused me to question whether you were even a true follower.
Also no one "stole" the Mahjarrat from anyone. The Mahjarrat will align themselves with the God of the path that they feel fit. Icthlarin was a fool who thought he could control us, but he never had the influence that he thought. When Zaros found us we no longer needed Icthlarin, for we had found in Zaros, not only one of great power, but a god who truly understood the ways of the Mahjarrat. Of all the choices that I have seen, only through Zaros shall we have our ultimate glory.
Those who subsequently have come to follow Zamorak the pretender are shortsighted and not truly understanding of what it is to be a Mahjarrat, their arrogance will be their downfall in the end.
Yes, I have made some quick travels through RuneScape since being freed from my incarceration and I can but concur with you on the poor condition of this world, though I know not why you call it Gielinor. It saddens me that the once great empire is not only gone, but as good as forgotten. Far too many seem to believe the lies of Saradomin and Zamorak and some other upstart called Guthix. When the time is right we will definitely need to change this state of affairs.
On a happier note, it is good to hear that Akthanakos is around and still loyal to our lord, for he disappeared and we did not know what had happened to him. I know what is meant when they say they shall go to the north, but now is not the time to speak of it.
For the glory of Zaros!
Dear Karim of Karim's Kebabs Ltd.
|Greetings Karim! You may have seen me quite a few times but let me refresh your memory. I am Master Rogue, Edgemaster X, or for the time being, 'The Advert Master', coming from far away lands in search of willing business for me to lend my great assistance. You see, sir, why wait in your lowly shop all by yourself, just waiting for hopeful customers to just waltz on in. I see you've attempted to get some advertising done by the little boy to the north, but what good what that do. You need flair! You need adrenaline! What you need it Edgemaster X's famous Advert Master Long Term Agreement plan!|
|For only 1,000,000 gold a month, you can be eligible to have VERY exciting, new, and stylish adverts for your shop all around the land of Runescape! Sure, a million is alot, but think of the profits! Tons of people flowing in to recieve your master crafted kebobs! I'll make you famous! You'll be a star!|
|Think about it. It's an opportunity you can't simply ignore!|
Master Rogue, Edgemaster
Hi Edgemaster X,
Firstly: Wow! I am amazed at the offer! It sounds like exactly the sort of business deal I like to keep an eye out for. A million a month isn't so bad - in fact, it's only one coin more than I pay Ali M. Unfortunately, I only earn 1 coin a month after I pay all my bills, so I can't really risk signing with you, or my camels might starve - then where would I be?
Keep up the good work,
|I would like to ask you a few questions, if you aren't busy trying to sucessfully make a crystal halberd.|
|Thanks for taking the time to read my questions!|
|Don't want to waste your time (I'm sure you have many contacts you need to...well, contact), so here's a few questions which have been nagging me for quite some time (three minutes or so, but hey, what's time to you?):|
|Thanks for your time buddy (Get it?)!|
|~H Y B 1 R D~|
Wahey! What a absolutely fantastic message! It's like the greatest thing I have ever seen! Wow!! It's totally, like, inspiring and, like, will lead to greatness! Amazing! I’ve never been happier! Totally rad! It's like the sun has totally possessed me and I'm the brightest, happiest ball of gas in the entire galaxy!
I hate it. What a waste of time. I’d rather go and stick my head in a bone grinder AGAIN.
Bob is totally trustworthy!
No he isn’t. Just ask my mate on the Rants forum.
Smiley and Smileless
Dear Sawmill Operator,
|I bet you are glad to see the "construction" skill finally! You must be the richest fella in all of Runescape now. 250gp just for an oak plank...nice marketing skills you must have!|
|My question is this: what do you do with all of the sawdust you create? An inventory of 27 oak logs is 48 kilos. Converted to planks is 21 kilos. That leaves 27 kilos of sawdust behind, per load, per player! That's alot of sawdust, eh?|
|Or am I getting rooked here, and you are scooping some of my planks without me knowing, in plans of building your own house?? It seems like I should be getting 54 planks, maybe?|
Ha ha! Well, I can't say I'm doing badly out of the rush for building materials. But you'd be surprised at how little of the money I get to take home at the end of the day. I have to pay off the loan I took to go to sawmill-operator's school - it's a highly skilled job, you know, and they don't let anyone use the machinery without a qualification. It's not easy extracting usable planks from the logs people bring me and a lot of material has to be wasted. And then I've got to pay to have all that sawdust disposed of: it's not cheap, but I can't just leave it lying around, can I?
Or can I?
|Postbag from the Hedge|